about 8 months since I last had a proper conversation with you, 8 months since those words, 8 months since I felt so totally misunderstood by someone I trusted and whom I thought knew me better than that.
It bothers me frequently that we don’t talk any more. That you said that I didn’t care. Because there are few people that I really let into my life, and you were one of them. I don’t know if you care, you said I didn’t. I was too tired to argue, too exhausted by the accusations of many false friends by then. Too numb to deal with the fact that yet another was turning on me.
I am silent about many things. Right now my heart is heavy with many thoughts. Who am I to you, and to them, and to him, and him, and him.
Even here the others have sometimes asked me, as a casual enquiry, if it was maybe better if I was a guy. The answer is no. I cannot be defined by my stereotypes. I often try to fit in, but I’m pretty good at sticking out. I don’t know. I’m just me. And I live in my head a lot.
The latest opportunity that was presented to me, everyone’s main response was that it wasn’t safe because I was a girl, and if I was a guy there would be no issue about it. Well. Can’t help that one there.
Starting to miss the gang quite a bit.. I know things will change next semester. We all have different directions that we’re going to pursue. Sometimes I feel rather alone here. The same words that C said to me over skype. “There is no one here who shares my vision the way you guys do. I really feel alone.”
And indeed there isn’t. I guess slowly, slowly, I’m getting tired enough to want to go home.
