hello,

In Lugano, finally.

Am sitting in my room feeling very, very alone. Becky’s out with her aunt, I think the other girls have unintentionally left me alone here in hall, I is sad and feeling really alone.

iPod

I’m doing this from my spanking new iPod touch for a cheap thrill.

Fufufufufufufu. Loves.

as usual,

Humans are greedy, Lizzy is no exception.

Photography is a boon and a bane and a bondage.

WANTS.

Sigma 18-250mm f/3.5–6.3 OR Tamron equivalent OR the slightly longer Tamron 18-270mm.

Reviews all round are super mixed…

But it’s a good travel lens. $900 over dollars. Even if I sell off my 18-105mm for $330-ish it’s still another $600 to purchase.

The other WANT.

Tamron 10-24mm f/3.5-4.5.

Terrigible.

Anyway I had a pretty nice day with the friends who came to surprise me even though I was pre-informed of said surprise.

Thank you so much.

More on that tomorrow, or later.

I love the green balloons.

new goals.

I have decided for now that my aimless wandering life of being a half-past-six everything (photographer, videographer, writer, designer, baker…) will temporarily attain some measure of meaning.

Newfound motivation to study and maintain grades: apply for DesignSingapore scholarship to do a Masters in Visual Comm or Graphic Design in Europe after I get out of NTU.

Why suddenly want to do Masters?

Because I don’t want to keep being a half-past-six everything.

And I’m finally daring to dream beyond the shores of this little island.

I didn’t apply for any overseas universities because I was convinced I would never make it in. (I did dream of Oxford and Cambridge after all, toyed with it for a while.)

I didn’t apply to ADM because I had  no guts to compete with better designers and real artists.

I ended up in CS largely by a matter of divine coincidence. (After all I only applied to NTU for fun. It was political science in FASS for me when I’d finally finished with my I’m-not-worthy of Oxford phase.) And while my life could have traversed many other paths, CS has chipped and sanded me in a way that I have no regrets having chosen to come here.

At some point of time I will have to snap out of the typical Chinese mentality I’ve been groomed and raised in that has told me for years that I’m going to have to take on a desk job because being a designer isn’t a real job and it’s not going to feed any other mouth except my own (and even that, minimally).

I keep WAITING. I have been waiting for years for myself to ’snap out of’ this ‘design phase’. I go through many phases in my life. I flutter in and out of them with great enthusiasm and ease. I have abandoned so many interests as easily as I had first attacked them with gusto.

I keep trying to tell myself that one day I’ll be done with this and I will somehow settle down into a corporate routine and get used to answering emails and getting a decent pay and having a perfectly normal, unexciting adult life.

But it is not happening.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that one day I won’t want to do this anymore, or that I’d get bored eventually, I’ll be able to leave it behind as easily as I had abandoned writing when I discovered Photoshop as a 14 year-old.

But it is not happening.

I’ve never allowed myself to label myself a creative because I can’t draw (not really), have never gone to design school, am a clobbered together self-explorative excuse of a designer, I don’t club/smoke/engage in any activities to artificially reach creative nirvana. And all other sorts of creative traits.

I think I’m boring, in fact, most of my friends can reaffirm that statement.

But why can’t I let it go? 不知不觉都已经七年了。为什么还没玩够呢？

So perhaps… maybe it’s time to stop running away from what my heart has possibly, chosen to settle on…

ha ha.

I’m getting a bit scared for tomorrow.

My boyfriend may be a terrible liar and terribly bad at hiding surprises, but my friends are VERY good at hiding surprises.

Which makes me even more suspicious.

what does friendship mean to me?

2009 taught me not to trust everyone, not to wear my heart on my sleeve, not to be an open book, not to blindly follow, not to expect too much from mortal men, not to allow sweet words to wile me into believing that I actually mean enough to some, not to be too surprised when one person can be your good friend one day and hate you the next.

2010 will teach me how to love again, how to trust again, how to make friends again, how to keep friends, and how to ignore those who tell me that I cannot, and how to let go of those who offered empty promises and turned their backs on me when crunch time weighed on my shoulders.

I would like to believe in friendship again.

Protected: stop taking me for granted.

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rant.

Is it just simply fashionable not to reply emails these days?

Its like how everyone can just ignore smses just because they can?

It’s just plain rude.

need to:

• Stop having knack for pissing people off
• Stop being quoted out of context

things to do.

• Design short typography video for youth service (after effects ftw)
• Design signage that uncle wants in his clinic
• Design website for client + any misc stuff she may need
• Design shirts for friend’s tshirt start-up
• Design for Zone mag
• Pack (have not started)
• Meet up with people before flying

Somehow I always unconsciously chalk up too things to do. @_@